Thursday, April 07, 2005

When did things go so wrong?

I have been told that I am a MEAN, and a SELFISH person. WOW! That I am constantly hurting the few people in life that have stayed around. That I continue to do destructive patterns to hurt these people. That I never ask for help and NEVER want to depend on anyone, but in reality my life is dependent on everyone in it, and the dieasse that I have. At what point did all of this happen? I truly do not know. All I want to do is help people....I would do anything or give anything to someone in need. Yet I keep hurting the people in my life that mean the most to me. I know I am a poster child for "Out of site, out of mind." Another poster that I am sure is on a bus someplace is "Denial." That is denial of my illness. You would think that after 11 rears I would long be past this stage and be atleast at stage number six or even close to the end of the stage program....Nope not me "I HAVE ISSUES!" I really thought I had a grasp on my life, and me as a person, partner and mother. I have been wrong. I am unsure how to get back on track. I do not know why it is not o.k to push myself, or to forget that I am sick, or to not depend on anyone. I know there are no answers....And if there are they are someplace deep inside of me, and I have to work them to the surface. Were to start? The logical question and answer would be to truly find out if I am happy with myself, and what I have become. I really thought I was until I heard that I was Mean and selfish. In denial, and just an all around mess. I know everyone has problems, and mine are no different then anyone else's. I guess I just want the key to open up what I am so afraid from.

Friday, February 11, 2005


yesterday an old friend contacted me. I have not spoken with him for probably 17 years. We were talking about the old times....The way we were back then. That got me to thinking last night while I was writing in my journal. All the mistakes I have made, and people I have hurt and the disgust that I always left behind me. Why are we the way we are? What causes us to make such destructive choices?
I am sure that at some point in our lives all of us have been asked....
"Would you go back and change anything"?
So......I came up with what I believe to be the answer to that age old question.
We have all made mistakes......
Those mistakes have left us feeling sad, hurt, angry and sometimes it feels like things will never be the same again.....
I do know that I would rather make a mistake with my heart.....
then to not have any heart at all.
So....I sit back and ask myself outloud the age old question....
"Would you go back and change anything"?
I sit up straight, and with confidence and pride I say "No!"
My mistake are mistakes of the past, and the past is the past. Any sadness, and hurt has healed with time. The mistakes I have made with my heart have made me who I am today. My heart gets larger and larger each day.
The thought of having no heart would be a unrepairable MISTAKE!
I will take them both Mistakes, and Heart. I will move on to another day week and year with the beliefe that this is just who I am, and who I have become.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

I want to know!

Beliefs: The state of believing; conviction or acceptance that certain things are true or real.
I am fighting between what I believe and what I want things to be like after I die. People say if you believe that you will go to a better place just the way you want to BELIEVE it to be then you will. The definition for beliefs as stated above says it is true or real.......How do we know? I want to know! When it is all said and done I want to be a part of this life now. I want to See....Guide....Help....Feel. I want it to be a place with no pain. I want to see my daughter grow up...I want to guide her from above. I want to know! Will I be able to pave the rode for her? Will I be able to see my grandchild? Will I see and feel her love? I want to believe that you do not die. Only your body does. The ones you have touched and loved in your life will keep you alive. That sounds nice, but to what point will I be alive? I have so many questions, and I want so many answers.
Are love and beliefs enough to keep you alive?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Letting GO